I would have been in my third trimester today.

Today I would have been 28-weeks pregnant with our daughter, Linley Jo. Instead, my heart aches with an empty womb.

 

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Every passing week has been difficult in its own way. I try and fail not to compare it to each passing week with my previous pregnancy, dreaming of how I would have felt, how our life would be different, how excited Lilli would have been watching my belly grow.


But today is a little different. Today I would be in my last trimester. Our baby would be full-term and we’d be counting down the weeks until we held her for the first time.


Today, it hurts just a little bit more. 


I yearn for those swift kicks, tiny hiccups, and soft punches. I wish I was counting kicks instead of counting the days until my next cycle so we can try again. I wish I didn’t have a hole in my heart and instead, still had a heart beating next to mine.


I know I would have been uncomfortable. I know my hips would be aching, my feet would be swollen, and my belly would be an obstacle everywhere I went.


But I also would have been joyful. I would be rubbing my belly, singing songs to Linley just like I did for Lilli. I would be absent-mindedly putting my hand on my belly, reminding her that I’m near. I would be getting ready to pack my hospital bag, just in case I went into labor early like I did with Lilli. I would be so thankful.


But today, I’m thankful in a different way. Even though I’m not pregnant like I should be today, I’m thankful that Linley knows nothing but warmth, comfort, and love. I’m thankful that even though my belly is empty, Linley’s never will be. I’m thankful she only knows the joy of Jesus, even if we must ache for her afar. 


Today, I would have been 28-weeks pregnant with our daughter, Linley Jo. Instead, my heart aches for what would have been but rests in the comfort that today, everything is just how it’s supposed to be.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."   Matthew 5:4